Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Paperback 800 (!!): Monica / George Simon (Chariot Books CB176)

Paperback 800: Chariot Books CB176 (PBO, 1961)

Title: Monica
Author: George Simon
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $21


Best things about this cover:

  • "Joe Came to Sell Storm Windows…" Erotic!
  • The editor in me wants to remove the absurdly redundant "Blasting" and then put scare quotes around "Love."
  • I assume this is a portrait of Monica as viewed through one of Joe's grimy storm windows. Erotic!
  • Seriously, it's like the artist did a rather nice painting and then got drunk and angry and depressed and just wrecked the thing with a really shitty eraser.
  • The em dashes are slaying me. It's like a bunch of false starts instead of a list of Exciting! Adjectives!
  • What did he "give" them? Backrubs? Advice? Chickenpox? … oh … OH! … I think it's sex.


Best things about this back cover:

  • SALESMEN BEWARE … sexy ladies might offer themselves to you and then writhe in pleasure … it's horrible.
  • SALESMEN BEWARE … some ladies can remove their heads and then underneath they are lizard creatures who won't buy any of your storm windows … it's horrible.
  • That "bikini" is, without a doubt, drawn on. Scribbled, more like. And not by a reader. Like … it came that way. That is some pretty low-rent design right there.
  • Uh … fear hand? Sure, fear hand. Close enough.

Page 123~

When her purse fell off the night table its contents scattered on the floor. In addition to the usual feminine gear, there was a roll of bills as big as a pound of butter, half a dozen snaps of nude ladies, and [a] .32 snub-nosed automatic. Dear little Monica …

First, I am enjoying imagining "the usual feminine gear," which in my mind includes brass knuckles and a vibrator. And second, I can't wait to use the "pound of butter" analogy in conversation and have people stare at me blankly. Me, after a pause: "FOUR STICKS!" Them: "Ah … yes ... OK. Got it. My, that *is* a large vibrator."


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Sunday, July 27, 2014

Paperback 799: Zingers from the Hollywood Squares / ed. Gail Sicilia (Popular Library 00221)

Paperback 799: Popular Library 00221 (PBO, 1974)

Title: Zingers from The Hollywood Squares
Editor: Gail Sicilia
Cover artist: photo cover

Yours for: $12


Best things about this cover:
  • The pink.
  • Blue orange pink yellow. You could do whatever the fuck you wanted with color in the mid-70s as long as it was bright. Or earth toned. Or avocado.
  • Lamont!
  • I know who all these people are (ugh, old). Except the dude in the upper left, and possibly the 'fro'd guy underneath him, who looks like Jackie Mason, but can't really be Jackie Mason. Nope, it's Marty Allen. I have no idea who he is. His hair is righteous.


Best things about this back cover:
  • Paul Lynde with the gay joke FTW!!!!
  • Rosemarie looks like Amy Sedaris in "Strangers with Candy."
  • What the hell kind of hat is that, Charley?

Page 123~

19. You have just scolded your gorilla for being a bad boy. Might he stick out his tongue at you to show his anger?

Paul Lynde: Was that his tongue?

Paul Lynde with the gorilla dong joke FTW!!


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Saturday, July 26, 2014

Paperback 798: Circle of Fear / Alice Brennan (Monarch Books 476)

Paperback 798: Monarch Books 476 (PBO, 1964)

Title: Circle of Fear ("A Monarch Juvenile Novel")
Author: Alice Brennan
Cover artist: Lou Marchetti

Yours for: $8


Best things about this cover:

  • "Inside the Sordid World of Valet Parking!"
  • Chivalry's hard. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to defend a girl and ended up shoving her into the path of an oncoming car.
  • "They learned that asking questions is always a terrible idea so just shut up, listen to your parents, and accept the world as it is, kids."


Best things about this back cover:
  • "Step aside, Susan. I got this." [screeeeeeeeech]
  • Wow. This is less "exposition" and more "randomized list of ingredients."
  • Wow, that last line really … tells you the dictionary definition of fear. Yes it does. Informative stuff.

Page 123~

She gave him a misty smile. "You could've been killed," she told him. "Stan, I want you to promise me you'll never get involved in something like that again!"

"Oh, Mom," he said impatiently, "who's going to miss a little chunk of ear?"


PS sorry for the long hiatus. I'll try to cram a lot of Sensation in your face this week, before heading out again next weekend (though just for a week this time).

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Paperback 797: Anatomy of Seduction / Jud Blaine (Softcover Library B856X)

Paperback 797: Softcover Library B856X (PBO, 1965)

Title: Anatomy of Seduction
Author: Jud Blaine
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $10


Best things about this cover:
  • The angle of his head … is the best thing about this cover. "Uh … hi, Mrs. Boobs, can, uh, boobs come out and, uh ... boobs?"
  • THAT. Not THE woman. THAT woman. Oh, suburban scandal, I love you so much.
  • "Uh, I like your hair … it's like the cotton candy they got at the midway."
  • "Uh … thanks … I think it's called 'Members Only' …"
  • This should be called "Anatomy of a doorknob" 'cause that is some nice detail there.
  • The phrase "teen-age innocence" is hilarious.
  • You can choose any pseudonym and you go with "Jud"? I really hope that's short for "Judy." 


Best things about this back cover:
  • That's a lot of weight to put on a word normally reserved nowadays for a leg syndrome.
  • The whole "filthy suburbanite" genre amuses me no end. "Behind the veneer of middle-class respectability: orgies."
  • "Sudden froth of lust"! That's the textual equivalent of the money shot right there.
  • If the book scorches my memory … then … fuck, I forgot what I was going to say.

Page 123~

"You want a drink, baby?"
"No, thank you. Nor do you."
He grinned at her. "You'd make a nice, nagging wife."
"I've been a wife to too many men ever to be foolish enough to tie up with one."

Well if she doesn't want that drink, I'll take it.


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Friday, July 4, 2014

Paperback 796: Stacked Deck / Frank Kane (Dell First Edition B197)

Paperback 796: Dell First Edition B197 (PBO, 1961)

Title: Stacked Deck
Author: Frank Kane
Cover artist: Bob McGinnis

Yours for: $8


Best things about this cover:

  • I see why she is drawn as a reflection of herself—the whole playing card angle—but dear god this cover would be 10x better if the top half of the painting just Continued. Down. I feel slightly ripped off. Let's just say that McGinnis had a knack for the lower half.
  • The upper half is, however, is exquisite.
  • Black hearts = nice touch.
  • Ooh, short stories. That's cool. You don't see that very often in single-author paperbacks.


Best things about this back cover:
  • Love the description of the Hollywood swimming pool as "well-stocked." 
  • "Debonair" is one of those words that can cut both ways—teeters on the wall between "cool" and "repulsively slick."
  • Last line there is a super-weak attempt to drum up some Marlovian mystique. Face it: you're never going to get more succinct and bad ass than "Trouble Is My Business," so don't even try.

Page 123~

He stared glumly at the coffee, pulled himself out of the chair and spilled the coffee into the sink. He lifted the Scotch bottle from the closet, spilled three fingers into a glass.
"What a waste of good material," he groaned.
He lifted the glass to his lips, drained it, shook his head sadly. "What a waste!" [end of story]
This after a woman left his apartment, telling him that she was going to turn herself in to the police. I can only assume that that last line is an aural pun that is utterly lost in print.


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